In recovery vs. fully recovered

Now I think that the no thoughts and no behaviors space is too idealistic. I firmly believe you can recover and still have struggles. That’s life. So if the line between in recovery and fully recovered is more blurry than definite, how do you know you’re there?

It took me a long time to recognize I was in recovery. I was one of the last ones to realize it. My team started saying I was in recovery and that surprised me. I was finally eating, not using behaviors, and completing a lot of challenges, but I still had a lot of ED thoughts and struggles, so I still felt in the ED. It was only when my therapist described being in recovery as a mind shift, actively pursuing something better for your life, did I realize that’s where I was at. I wanted a better life free of my disorder. My behaviors were consistent with being in recovery.

To me, being in recovery means having pro-recovery intentions behind your behaviors. You’re always working towards your larger goals of recovery. You put recovery first. Always. And if you slip, you reach out for help and do the next right thing. I am nearly two years into recovery and not that long ago I had a two-day lapse. A few triggers and escalating stress at work were the perfect storm for old behaviors to sneak right back in. But I was honest with my team and friends about the slip and I asked for help. I figured out how to stay accountable and followed through. Two days of sending pictures of meals was enough to get me back on track. I have a solid support system and I’m grateful to those I was able to lean on.

In the past, a lapse meant falling off the cliff. I was always teetering right on the edge of the abyss and slipping meant I cascaded into relapse. This time I was further away from the edge. A slip meant I could get back up and no progress was lost.

Everyone asks me what my definition of fully recovered is. What that place will look like for me. I think life will look a lot like it already does now. Eating adequately, maintaining a healthy weight, acceptance of your body or at least acceptance that you no longer can change it, and not acting on the thoughts.

I am nearly four years sober and around year three, I finally reached a place where I no longer have a desire to drink and I rarely get a thought about drinking. If I can reach a place of fewer thoughts with the alcoholism, I believe it is possible for the ED.

I believe you can reach a place of being fully recovered, but I don’t believe it is an ending point. Or that you magically feel better. I believe you are constantly growing and evolving, working on improving yourself every day. This is consistent with the stance in the substance use world. You may reach a point where the ED is no longer relevant in your life, but there is always more work to do. The work doesn’t stop. You just find new things to work on.

People say I’m fully recovered now. And I may adopt that language one day. I just know life working on recovery is a million times better than the best day in my ED. Wherever I am on the journey, I keep challenging myself to move one more step forward. I am grateful to be here.