How recovery shows up in my life

Recovery has shown up in many ways throughout my life. I had to do the hard work to get here, but I’m grateful each day for where I landed.

Relationships have improved. In my disorder, I had very few friends. The friends I did have I taxed with the burden of watching me get sicker from the sidelines. I lost friends because either they did not know how to help me, or they could no longer watch me hurt myself. In recovery, I have built new friendships with people in recovery themselves. I have restored old friendships by making amends. In my disorder, I did not have time for socializing because all I wanted to do was go home and drink. Now I purposely scroll through my phone to see who I haven’t seen in a while and ask to schedule get-togethers. Now healthy, I can give in friendships whereas before I turned inward. I have found connection is key in maintaining recovery.

I can hold a job and work one that is meaningful to me. In my disorder, I was consumed with work. I did not have good boundaries and allowed work stress to take over my life. As a result, I got sick. I had to leave two jobs in a row to go to treatment. One of the jobs let me go because they did not feel I could do the job while working on my recovery. That was devastating to me because I valued my career and never thought I would lose a job. Early in my recovery, I had to take a job that did not require a lot from me because it took all I had to eat meals and not drink. Now, I have a job that is challenging and stimulating, and I don’t have to worry about having the dreaded conversation with my boss about going to treatment. Being healthy means I can perform at my best while also setting boundaries to take care of myself. I am finally getting my career on track.

I am physically healthy. In my disorder, I developed several health conditions because of my eating disorder and drinking. I developed hypothyroidism, osteoporosis, and stage three chronic kidney disease. Three significant diseases I will have to manage for the rest of my life. These diagnoses shook me and motivated me to pursue recovery. Being as healthy as possible was my primary motivator. In recovery, I established regular, adequate eating patterns and I restored weight to where my body needed to be. My health improved. My latest labs revealed significant improvements, now newly diagnosed with osteopenia and stage two chronic kidney disease. I was so surprised. I did not think either one of those conditions was reversible. It just goes to show what adequate nutrition and a healthy weight can do for one’s health.

I have rediscovered hobbies I enjoy and ignited new passions. In my disorder, I rarely did anything for fun. Maybe a puzzle at 2 am when I was suffering from insomnia. All I did was drink, worry about my weight and what I could eat, and stress about work. Recovery has allowed me to find new things I enjoy. I discovered walking during COVID, to get out of my apartment, and now it’s a way to take a break during the day and enjoy being outside. I fell in love with baking, something I never allowed myself to do when I was sick. I was too scared of the calories in baked goods. I started with baking muffins, which seemed the safest, then eventually I branched out to cookies, and crumbles, and cakes. Now I find joy in baking new things. And I eat what I bake. I adopted two new long-haired black cats and they have become a central focus of my life. Caring for them gets me out of myself. They’re incredibly entertaining and bring me endless joy. I also discovered Barre, a workout class that’s based on ballet and focused on strength training. In my disorder, I lost all my muscles. Building strength and seeing what my body can do has given me a new appreciation for my body. I would say it’s good for body image.

I realize I mentioned two different forms of exercise I enjoy and realize how tricky movement can be in recovery. In my disorder, I struggled with overexercise. Early on, I would exercise three hours a day at the gym that was located conveniently across the street from my apartment. In the middle of my disorder, I cut movement out entirely because I did not feel I could do it healthily. In the last couple of years, I’ve gone from needing to do movement every day to enjoying it when I feel like it. I do it for how I feel in my body when I exercise, versus to burn calories. I also eat adequately to fuel my body to workout. I feel like I finally have reached a healthy balance with movement.

A huge gain of recovery is with food itself. I have challenged all my fear foods and now can eat any food I want. I have adopted the model “all foods fit.” No foods are off limits and I eat what sounds good in the moment. I also eat flexibly, based on hunger and fullness cues. If that means a couple of extra snacks during the day because I’m hungry, I do it. I’m not concerned with calories or worried about overeating. I know my body can handle what I give it. The freedom that has come with recovery is incredible.

Finally, because of recovery, I have decided I want to work in the mental health field. Because I am healthy, I’ve been considered for jobs in the substance use and eating disorder field. My biggest motivator right now is wanting to give back to the community. I currently sponsor, which is great, but I want to contribute on the eating disorder side as well. Come June when I reach two years in recovery, I will pursue an eating disorder coaching license. I feel coaching is a way for me to share my recovery with others and inspire those struggling that recovery is possible.

I never thought I would recover. Each day brings joy and gifts that come because I’ve put in the work to get here. I used to not be able to imagine a future. Now I’m excited for the opportunities that are possible because I am healthy.