Embracing Fun in Exercise: My Recovery from Compulsive Exercise
My eating disorder started with increased exercise. In college, the summer of my junior year, I noticed my roommate was going to the gym. That was new for her. But she and I had a complicated relationship, and we were best friends and did many of the same things, so I found myself at the gym too. I had never been one to exercise much. I walked a lot over campus and to and from our apartment, but the gym was new.
I started working out and soon my body began to change. I started losing some weight. People noticed and I received a lot of compliments. Then the music injury happened (long story) and I was extremely stressed. I lost a drastic amount of weight I couldn’t afford to lose. I lost too much weight and looked unwell. I was so caught up in the music trauma that I didn't even notice. At some point though, I realized I had lost weight and liked it. I liked how I felt in my body. Lighter. Freer. Safer. That’s how the eating disorder happened.
I continued exercising. When I was in graduate school, I was exercising three hours a day at the gym that was located conveniently across from my apartment. I did the elliptical, played on the weight machines, took a cardio kickboxing class (which I excelled at), and swam in their indoor pool.
I would focus on the calories burned while working out on the machines, feeling good when I had just burned off a meal. I wasn’t exercising to become stronger, I was exercising to control my body, to make my body smaller.
Then one day, the gym had a fire and it closed permanently. Now with nowhere to work out, I stopped the excessive exercise. I would walk to graduate school from my apartment, but the formal exercise ended. I was distraught at first, I missed my kickboxing classes and routine. But I didn’t exercise for many years.
Fast forward to COVID. Now trapped in my apartment, I started walking with the sole reason to get outside and get some air. Walking felt like a way to get back into exercise without going crazy with it. It felt safe.
That said, I still struggled with healthy limits and eating enough to work out. It was early in my recovery and I hadn't teased out the eating disorder from the movement.
I later discovered Pure Barre. I saw an ad for a free class and thought, why not try it? I loved it. Just beginning my recovery journey, I was thrilled to start building muscle that the eating disorder robbed me of.
Pure Barre has been influential in me appreciating my body for what it can do. It's been helpful for body image watching my body get stronger.
At that point I was on a weight restoration journey and more and more I was using my healthy self to challenge the eating disorder. I was no longer working out to lose weight but rather because it felt good and to become stronger in my body.
Soon I could take rest days (starting with one day at a time) and learned to do movement that makes me feel good. It no longer was something I had to do, but rather something I wanted to do. This approach was much different compared to early in my eating disorder.
Now I exercise for fun. If it doesn't feel good, I don't do it. And another critical piece is that I fuel my workouts. I make sure to eat before I do movement and some days I eat more depending on how much movement I have done.
Often people with eating disorders have a complicated relationship with movement. I was no exception. I had to take a substantial break from it to find a healthier relationship with exercise. And even then, I had to learn to listen to my body and give it the food and rest it needed.
If you find yourself feeling like you must exercise, like it’s to compensate for eating, or doing it for the sole purpose of controlling your body, you may need to take a step back, set some boundaries with yourself, and examine your relationship to movement.
Here are some tips to heal your relationship with movement:
Find movement you enjoy. Movement should be fun, not something you dread or feel compelled to do.
Movement does not have to be formal exercise. You could dance, walk, or play a game. Any way you move your body is exercise.
Take a friend with you to exercise. Make movement social.
Fuel your workouts. If you are expending more energy, your body needs more nutrients.
If you find yourself struggling with excessive exercise, reach out for professional support. Find a therapist who specializes in eating disorders or attend an eating disorder support group, such as through ANAD, EDF, or the National Alliance for Eating Disorders. Recovery coaches also can help you improve your relationship to movement throughout the week, in between therapy sessions. If you are interested in learning more about coaching, DM me.
I’ve come a long way with movement. I’ve come a long way in recovery. They go hand in hand. Movement used to be something I felt I had to do and now I enjoy it. You can regain a healthy relationship with movement if you’re willing to put in the work to get there. It is worth it.