Eating Disorder Recovery: A Transformed Life After Two Years

I recently celebrated two years of eating disorder recovery. I’m a whole new person. Life has completely changed from when I was sick. My team and friends validate how far I have come. I’m grateful every day to be where I am at. I never want to go back. 

So what’s changed? Everything. 

1. I have a peaceful relationship with food now. In my illness, I feared food. I felt all of it would make me gain weight. Food (and weight gain) was to be avoided at all costs. But over the years I challenged my fear foods and saw that my body could handle the food I ate. All types of food too. Eating has become neutral, sometimes even enjoyable. I eat to fuel my body as well as for pleasure. 

2. I engage in movement I enjoy rather than burn calories. I no longer feel compelled to do excessive movement, but instead, I do what feels good. I even enjoy movement and seeing my body get stronger. That has helped body image for sure. 

3. I can hold a job that is meaningful, challenging, and stimulating. I had to leave numerous jobs to go to treatment and even lost one job when I had to choose between staying in treatment or going back to work. I was underemployed for many years because a simple job was all I could handle. When I was sick, I couldn’t concentrate or think critically enough to do high-level jobs. I need my brain functioning at its best to do the job I have currently. I now have the energy and cognitive abilities to do my job well.

4. My cognitive abilities are back. I used to pride myself on how sharp I used to be. But I was so compromised when I was sick. I wasn’t thinking clearly and often I couldn’t process thoughts fast enough to carry on a simple conversation. My memory was shot. Adequate nutrition is key to healing the brain. 

5. I have mended broken relationships and made many new ones. In my illness, I isolated and pushed friends away. I scared them with all the dangerous behaviors I was doing. Some friends couldn’t watch me hurt myself and they left. Throughout recovery, I made amends to those I hurt and made a lot of new friendships with people in recovery. Connection has been key in my healing. 

6. I have found hobbies outside my disorders that I enjoy. In my illness, drinking was my pastime. I rarely saw friends and did not have the energy to engage in anything meaningful. I was consumed with eating disorder thoughts, calories, my weight, and beliefs of what I am and am not allowed to eat. Now in recovery, baking has become an enjoyable activity. I even eat and enjoy what I bake. I have discovered walking and barre. I enjoy being social, which is exciting for someone who had a high level of social anxiety. I am even trying to find more fun activities to do to broaden my world. I want to enjoy life. 

7. I am a better cat mom now that I am healthy. When I was sick, I’d have to leave my cat, Callie, for months at a time to go to treatment. I know she was lonely. When I was home, I wasn’t attentive to her because I was drinking, or bingeing and purging. I have a lot of regrets because I didn’t give her the care and attention she deserved. Now with my two new cats, Ella and Loki, I am present for them, love them when they ask for attention, and play with them. I loved Callie, but I know these two know they are loved because they have never known neglect. 

8. Perhaps the biggest thing that has changed is I can give back to the recovery community. I sponsor in AA, I mentor people still struggling with their eating disorders, and I am just starting the process of getting certified to coach people with eating disorders. I also volunteer and am on the board of the Missouri Eating Disorders Association (MOEDA). That was something I could only dream about when I was sick. One of my biggest goals with my recovery is to help inspire those in it that recovery is possible. When I was sick, I never believed I would recover. The hopelessness at the possibility of recovery was one of the reasons why I was so suicidal. Talking with those who have made it to the other side offers hope to those still struggling. I want something good to come of my struggles and these ways help with that. 

Life in recovery is better than I imagined. Sure, I still have body image struggles. How could I live in this society and not? But time is the best healer, and I am systematically working on my relationship with my body. 

One of the best things you can do to recover from your eating disorder is to reach out for help. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or professional. I was fortunate to have a strong team guide me. It’s not impossible, but it’s hard to do this alone. There are many free online support groups, such as through ANAD, the Eating Disorder Foundation, and The Alliance for Eating Disorders, which offer supportive communities. AA is a good resource too. I took advantage of all these communities. Having support made a big difference in being able to recover.

These past two years have been the best years of the last two decades. I wouldn’t trade my current life for being in a smaller body. I will never go back to the eating disorder.