Body image realities

Body image struggles happen to most people. They’re heightened by the society we live in. Diet culture values thinness and promotes being thin as the key to happiness. Even people without eating disorders struggle with body image. The key is to what degree it affects your life.

In my disorder, losing weight was what I cared about most. I would go to extreme measures to avoid gaining weight. My thin body was the sole source of my self-worth. Even at my lowest weight, I thought I could lose more. I was never satisfied with my body, no matter how thin I became.

Going through the weight restoration process (multiple times) continues to be, for me, one of the hardest parts of recovery. I’ve had to restore weight many times throughout my journey, often while in treatment, where it always felt forced and not my choice. I wouldn’t stay at that weight for long after I was discharged, often relapsing quickly.

In 2021 I relapsed hard and lost a significant amount of weight. For two years, I tried to pull myself out of that hole, restoring weight all outpatient. The process moved much slower than it would have had I been in treatment; however, I was in control of my recovery and what was happening to my body. That time was different because I was choosing to actively pursue recovery.

At some point my weight gain stalled. However, I know I was not fully restored because I found myself negotiating with my eating disorder, asking myself why I couldn’t recover here. I did not want to gain any more weight. It was pseudo-recovery because the fear of weight gain still dominated my life.

Then my body gained more weight, to my natural set point. That was the hardest part of the journey because it felt like a surprise. I did not expect to gain more weight, but my body had different ideas. I felt uncomfortable in my body because it was the highest I had been in years. None of my clothes fit. Wearing too tight of clothing was a constant reminder my body had changed.

Then I purchased new clothing and with time, the new body became the norm. Body image distress subsided. That is, for a little while. Recently body image distress has intensified.

I’ve noticed that how I feel in my body is directly correlated to how stressed I am. Work has been intense and there is a lot of unknowns in my life right now. I feel anxiety in my body, making me uncomfortable being in my body. I am fixated on certain body parts, wishing they looked different. I am comparing my body to others, hoping to make myself feel better, when I actually end up feeling worse. I find myself secretly wishing I would lose weight, even though I know weight loss is not the solution. That would only make things worse.

These struggles are making me feel bad about my recovery. I think I cannot be fully recovered if I am this distressed with my body. Recovery requires acceptance of one’s body and while I accept I have to be at this weight to recover, so my behaviors stay on track, I hate how I look.

Yet, this does not mean I am less recovered. I am still eating adequately and fueling my body. I keep doing pro-recovery behaviors. And I know recovery is by far better than any day in my disorder.

What will help heal my body image? Doing things like stopping body checking and comparing will help. But honestly, the best thing for me is time. It is often said that healing body image distress is the last part of the recovery journey. I have been at this weight for nearly one year and it is still hard. But the distress is not constant. It comes in waves; some days are harder than others.

I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) many years ago, at a time when I was experiencing extreme distress in my body. Recently, I have been working with a BDD therapist with the hopes of healing this last piece of the puzzle.

I guess all this is to say it’s normal to struggle with body image. It would be hard to live in this society and not struggle to some degree. But if you are having a hard time, don’t give up. I don’t anticipate feeling this way forever. Besides, my body will change again as I get older and I have to learn to be okay with that.

Acceptance is the last stage in the stages of grief, and I think that’s applicable here. I still feel grief about losing my old body. I am sad that this is the body I recovered into. But that said, I have a lot of gratitude for this body. Being at a healthy weight has allowed me to improve several severe health conditions I developed because of my eating disorder. I am growing stronger as I exercise (moderately) and build more muscle. I have more energy than I ever have had before. This body is doing a lot for me. I can be sad and grateful at the same time.

Recovery is still by far the best thing about my life. And being at a higher weight is a part of recovery. I wouldn’t give up my recovery to be thinner again. Yet body image is complicated and takes time to heal. I’ve come a long way in how I feel about my body. Time will only make it better.